03/09/2011

Apparently it's 'usual' for people to be attacked by Magpies here.  It's happened to me on 3 separate occasions. 

I'm Catherine Sell and this is my story.

My first time, I wasn't expecting it, obviously, I didn't know what was going on, it felt like someone had hit me across the side of the head. I thought it was someone playing tricks on me.  The sun was behind me, I looked forward and saw my shadow and a bird swooping ahead. Incredulous, I started laughing, when it happened again.  While it was funny, my favourite part was when an island guy drives beside me and says "hey! Watch out man, you're being attacked by magpies!"  Yeah, dude. Got that. Thanks.

Different people have offered different advice, other than 'watch out because they'll peck out your eyes' (which we'll talk about later), apparently the thing to do it to paint giant eyes on your helmet.

Which is either a really good practical joke that everyone's playing on me, so i'll look like an egg riding to work with a scary monster helmet, or, it'll actually scare away the freaking birds.  One guy told me that as kids walking home from school, they used to wear upside-down icecream containers on their heads with eyes painted on them.  L. O. L.

I suggested a handgun so I could kill the damn things, but word is, they're protected.  So, today, after being attacked for a third time...and realising that it's actually scaring me a little (i've started reacting to bird noises and seeing them swoop a little, even pigeons which aren't scary at all, (unless they have bird flu or are crowding you in Venice) I googled.

Excuse my language, but this really is necessary (Lou, don't read further).

FUCKING. HELL.

They DO attack your eyes.  Read this!!

Quote;

"...where a magpie will swoop in from behind or the side and audibly "snap" their beaks or even peck or bite at the face, neck, ears or eyes.  A magpie may rarely attack by landing on the ground in front of a person and lurching up and landing on the victim's chest and peck at the face and eyes.^[  Magpie attacks can cause injuries, typically wounds to the head and particularly the eyes, with potential detached retinas and bacterial infections..."

DOUBLE-YOU.  TEE.  EFF.

"Attacks begin as the eggs hatch, increase in frequency and severity as the chicks grow, and tail off as the chicks leave the nest."

...so it's going to get worse.

But then.... "Magpies are a protected native species in Australia, so it is illegal to kill or harm them".

So, hang on.  Let me get this straight.

Magpies can and probably will;

A) Swoop at me

B) Attack me

C) Try to peck out my eyes

D) Continue to do so more frequently for the next 2 months

E) Ruin my life

And I am expected to;

A) Deal with it

B) Not kill the f*ckers

C) look like a giant douchebag with big googly eyes on my head.

AUSTRALIA.  HOW IS THIS NORMAL?!?!?

All the reactions i've had are 'haha oh yes that happens all the time".  I'm sorry!?!?!?!

It happens all the time...and you're just laughing and walking around with icecream containers on your head.  Does no-one else find this ridiculous??!!   Survival of the fittest, guys! I know you fail at everything except stealing things that NZ invented, but really, surely you understand that you're bigger and don't have to take this crap! 

The sad thing is, I don't have a gun, I'd miss them if I tried to swing at them....or just fall off of my bike, and they are freaking me out a little bit.  (Little bit?).

So.  Guess i'll pimp out my helmet and be 'that girl who has big eyes on her helmet'.  Or, I suppose, i'll look like every Australian because all of you are a bunch of wusses who are getting bullied by a FREAKING BIRD.

THE END.